Fuck, I Just Realized I'm Going To Be One Of The People Who Die In This Heat Wave

Submitted by editor.provokat... on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 17:20.

By Rose Sidman for The Onion

Boy, is it a scorcher! Don't think I've seen one like this since the summer of '49. You know, at my age, I can feel pretty faint just sitting here, all alone in my stuffy, poorly ventilated apartment. Better brew a pot of coffee, take my blood pressure medication, and…hey, wait a minute.

Oh, shit. I'm going to be one of the poor fucks who dies in this heat wave, aren't I?

Well, that's just fantastic. Every time a week of triple-digit temperatures rolls around, there's a half dozen sad sonsofbitches who succumb to the heat, and this time I'm gonna be one of them. I know it. Six oldsters at a nursing home, a couple babies, some middle-aged dad jogging up bleachers, and me. How did I not see this coming?

Yup. I'm totally screwed.

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