by Pamela Moye

Contemplating a nonalcoholic cocktail seems for some akin to a junkie extolling the virtues of methadone. Mocktails remain a youthful right of passage: ordering a Shirley Temple is the pre-teen version of bellying up to the bar. Why would you order a virgin daiquiri after that heady day of tea-total emancipation introduces inebriation and excess?

Because really, what is the point? They lack taste and substance, and are often likened to masturbation (going through the motions) but a well-concocted non-alcoholic potion is just the thing to get you safely through the night. After all, why should the non-drinker, designated driver, mother-to-be or recovering alcoholic be stuck drinking coke? (If they’re doing coke, they just need plenty of water.) Clasping a snazzy umbrella-laced concoction one can mingle comfortably in the chicest lounge with none the wiser that one is killing less brain cells while enjoying every sip. The catch though is ‘enjoying.’

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Sadly, few are skilled in crafting the x-rated (straight-edged for those not in on the pun) versions, so instead of the local pub, you might have to seek out cocktail lounges and tiki bars. May your hunt not be in vain although in the immortal words of The Jackson 5, “Ain’t nothing like the real thing.”

For Mock or Cock, Virgin or Hard visit Drinking at Epicurious.

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