 By Peter Utgaard
Somewhere in human history somebody thought it would be nice to spend the winter solstice exchanging gifts with your friends and family in order to show you care. They were wrong. And this horrible turn of events has since spiraled out of control. Mass media and unchecked capitalism have created a world where many people exchange meaningless gifts and, in effect, simply buy a bunch of stuff for themselves that they didn't want or need. But the food that comes with a gift exchange is good, and if you want to keep getting invited to those parties with the free wine then you have to come up with something. Luckily there's an out.
A myth, that while nobody actually believes, nobody dares to question aloud: It’s the thought that counts. Enter your cost free solution to gift giving: The homemade card. Step 1: Materials. Steal a bundle of white blank paper from your White-collar job. If you don't have a white-collar job, get one. You can quit immediately after they let you near the photocopier. Step 2: Layout. Avoid the fancy stuff; you're better off making the card in MS paint. Just scrawl your basic message at the top using the pencil option and decorate it with whatever you like. Remember you’re not bound by Christmas norms anymore so you don't have to decorate the card with depressing flowers, chubby angels, or Garfield. Hint: For that special Christmas 'tinsel' effect, use the spray-paint tool. Step 3: Print and Mail. Of course there is the email version. If that's not an option then address the envelope to yourself and put the intended party's name as the return address. Mail it without a stamp. They'll actually get it quicker than had you mailed it to them legally.
Sadly, some people are harder to please than others and some of the more suspicious-natured members of your family may not take to your four and half minutes of blood, sweat, and tears. If this happens, it is best to split them into broad demographics.
The Elderly – By far your easiest demographic to satisfy. Years of penny-pinching in order to survive after their pension eroded has taught them to be happy with the simplest of pleasures. Also, feeling abandoned in the retirement home they've been abandoned in means they're happy to just be thought of. A homemade card is just the thing to trick them into believing that is what just happened. Ideal Gift: Home-made card. See above for directions. Cost: 0Kc The Adult – Soulless and defeated, The Adult no longer cares about Christmas. They only do it for the children; so that they can become indoctrinated and drained by tradition. A stiff drink is all they need. It will be greatly appreciated. Ideal Gift: Sampler of Scotch Whiskey (comes free with full bottle of Whiskey). Cost: 0Kc The Adolescent – These people aren't satisfied with anything. It is pointless to appeal to them. However, embarrassing them in front of the rest of the family may earn you some points with other adolescents. Target their insecurities. The hardest part will be deciding which ones. Ideal Gift: CD-R of Internet Pornography. Cost: 15Kc The Infantile – The youngest and the hardest to please, the lower branches of your family tree know what their corporate masters want them to want. And they want it bad. Anything without a clear brand identity will be viewed with suspicion. You can't neglect the child for fear of alienating its parents (and more importantly its parents gifts) so you are left with a very narrow selection of presents which will be well received and still cost you next to nothing. An important formula to remember in this scenario: the more likely the gift causes serious harm to the child, the better it will be received. For example, a pet snake will be received with awe. A poisonous one will earn you the child's love forever. Ideal Gift: Shuriken from Vietnamese market. Cost: 80Kc  Download for alternate Adolescent or Adult gift
|
(0 vote)
