by Peter Utgaard

While watching the grand theatre that is global politics, the media are usually considerate enough to clearly label the heroes and villains with terms such as "President" and "Dictator". This serves the dual purpose of letting the public know who we're supposed to be rooting for while making it easier to book match-ups in our World Leader Fantasy Leagues. But even the omnipotent media organizations can't always know immediately which side of the Good Fight someone is on. And periodically someone turns.

Saddam Hussein was the ruler we loved to hate and he hadn't really been on the side of light since the 1980s. But he was, at the very least, an enigmatic figure right up until the current Iraq war. So when, exactly, did the media officially declare his conversion to the dark side? According to Provokator's research, about one month after Operation Iraqi Freedom began.

Fun With Math!

This experiment is in no way scientific, but is a great way to spend your time if all you can afford are ten-crown beers and wafers from the potraviny and have a week to kill before pay day. From 74 CNN.com articles with at least two references to Saddam Hussein over the last six years, the following statistics can be extracted:

In 23 reports between January 1, 2001 and April 9, 2003 Saddam Hussein was referred to by his legal title of "President" a total of 26 times out of 28 references to his official title. This contrasts with 51 articles, dated December 14, 2003 to May 29, 2007, in which he is referred to as "President" only 21 times out of 71 references. Even more striking is the disparity between the use of the term "Dictator" for the wacky Sunni.

He was described using the D-word a minute two times over the first period, while in the later sample it increases   a staggering 50 times- a 10-fold percentage increase.  In earlier articles, Hussein is represented as a beacon of civility, referred to as "President" six times over the first two compositions. However, this praise soon gives way to more neutral terms like "Iraqi Leader" or simply "Saddam". By June 30, 2004 the term of reference degenerates, in the most impressive stint of slander in our sample, until he is identified, simply, as "Dictator" ten times in four news items up to August 5, 2004. In fact, the word "Dictator" makes no appearance in the four pieces in the 2001 sample and is only mentioned once in the 13 articles from 2002. Compare that to the final 14 articles from 2006-07, in which there was only a single piece that did not refer to Hussein as "Dictator."

Saddam's best year in our study was clearly 2001, in which he went 7-0 for his President-Dictator record in four articles (PPAA [president per article average] 1.750!). Saddam's worst year didn't come until 2006, and that's not just because he was executed. The poor old guy was called "Dictator" 16 times over only 15 write ups! That's a "Dictator" per article average (DPAA) of 1.67.

How Does This Effect Me?

Consider this proof that the winners write history. And the winner of the Iraq war is clearly CNN. Now go out there and start a media organization and wait for catastrophe to strike.

Don't worry, it won't take long.

Uh... I'm not going to do that.

No problem! Instead you can play our CNN drinking game. Here's is how it works:

1) Divide the people into the room into two teams: The Axis of Evil and The Coalition of the Willing. (If there are problems organizing this aspect of the game we advise anyone of noticeable ethnic background be immediately delegated to The Axis of Evil. This includes the Irish.)

2) The Axis of Evil will drink every time one of their key words or derivatives is spoken by the God-like box around which you huddle. The Coalition will do the same with their own set of words.

Words of Power:

Axis of Evil: Regime, Dictator, Terror, Extreme, Attack, War-torn, Linked-to-Al-Qadea, Evil, Insurgent, Hate, Bomb

Coalition: God, Freedom, President, Liberty, Democracy, Peace, Life, Babies, Bomb, Stone-Age

If the Axis of Evil start winning it's time for God to intervene. The Coalition may, any time the Axis of Evil take three drinks in a row, place sanctions on the Nogoodniks and reach over and take their next drink for them.

The Axis will fight back in the only way the impoverished can: With a Suicide Bomb. Any time the Axis have to drink, they may opt to finish their beverage (or take an extra shot) and then steal the Coalition's next drink.

As always, whoever can drink the most without passing out is the winner.

Already a Giant Media Conglomerate?

Since you're already ignoring their official and legal titles, try using these other descriptions for The Enemy to spice it up a little: Dictator-For-Life, Despot, Commander of Evil, Man of Mystery, Jerk, The Great Satan, Liberal.

We look forward to your work in clarifying the moral value of others.

Together we can make the world think what we want it to.

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