by Martina Čermáková 

Provokator invites you to take a look behind the Zdarma sign?
What is really free, where can you get it, and how long is the line you have to stand in?

In the Provokator Salutes the Bottom Feeder issue Martina Čermáková, with the help of a starving-artist-staff, guides us through these many questions and provides us with several answers. (*Not all of which we as publication endorse or consider a reflection of the views and opinions of the staff of Provokator. -- reiteration of said statement recommended by our lawyer.)

Priceless Pet
Christmas has its ways of melting the hardened heart and sneaking in notions of goodness and generosity. This time of the year, more than ever, the images of drooping dog eyes behind corroding metal bars of the local shelter and heart-tearing howls anchor in people’s minds. The Shelter for Abandoned Animals (UPOZ), situated in Pragues 8 (V Zamcích 56) and 10 (Dolnoměcholupská 58/27), offers 106 dogs and 157 cats to anyone above 18 years of age willing to give an animal a proper life. As a present, the new owner needn’t pay any pet taxes during the next two years; only vaccines and vet check ups need to be paid for. The high-minded giving of a home to a dog, a cat, or any other domestically fit animal should, however, not be mistaken for an under-the-Christmas-tree gift that’s chopped away as soon as the “thing” takes a dump in the kitchen, nor for plaster to quick-fix winter loneliness and be thrown out on the street with the coming of a new significant other.
For an online database of the shelter’s residents visit www.upozpraha.cz.

Wi-Fi Hot Spots
Wi-Fi is becoming the standard on the menu of many public places. Finding your hotspot now depends on what you want as the side dish. If you’re hungry for food, consider Jáma and Fraktal; if you’re hungry for a book, head to the Globe or literary café Metropole; if you’re plain hungry for internet time, have it at KFC. Most of Prague’s KFC restaurants are covered, and the mass character of the place will have you in a blurry spot at the far corner table the entire day. The dangers of overusing this hotspot are the potentially incurable chicken wing aversion coupled with nausea on catching a “deep-fried” breeze.

Couch Surfing
This wicked alternative to a pricy hostel or hotel stay proposes a worldwide network of free places to crash when traveling low budget. “Surfers” and “hosts” from all over the world can register and network through www.couchsurfing.com, arranging stays that range from a coffee visit to a months-long “sleepover”.

Language Matters
Brush up old language skills or start afresh with any of the Czech, English, French, or Arabic free language courses offered by Centrum Kultur (Center of Cultures). Although the maximum group size is 10 people, the courses, except for Arabic, are starved of participants.
For more info see www.centrumkultur.cz

Legal, Social, and Psychological Help
For all foreigners settling in the Czech Republic faced with questions of all kinds, the Center for Migration Issues is willing to provide free legal, social, and psychological advice through phone, mail, or personal contact. The all-Czech Web site, www.migrace.com, encourages you to take the first step (or a giant leap) on the way to integration: learning the language.

HIV Testing
The AIDS-combating institution ČSAP organizes free and anonymous HIV testing every Monday (4–7 p.m.) and Wednesday (9 a.m.–noon) at Dům Světla (House of Light). The house, situated in Malého street, provides all help, info, and support needed for HIV/AIDS patients and their relatives.
For more info visit http://aids-pomoc.cz/dum_svetla.html

Gather, Talk, and Mingle
Every second and fourth Sunday of the month, the music- and/or literature-prone meet for an evening of “Provokace a Poezie” at Café Šlechta (Slavíkova 27) on the Vinohrady-Žižkov border at 6:30 p.m. A deviation from the standard open-mic night, P&P evenings of poetry and music always have a feature performer card up the sleeve. The feature on December 10 is a double bill of the writings of Karl Koener and Willie Watson.

“Power, history, and interpretation”- a mind-stinging subject matter for philosophers across centuries, is the central theme of The Prague Philosophy Club’s lectures and discussions held at the Globe Café and Bookstore every other Tuesday, starting December 5, at 8 p.m.
With questions, concerns, and requests, including the list of readings and authors to be discussed, contact Benjamin Beebe at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Fourteen-day Coffee Bash
Caffe da Vinci has decided to deliver an Espresso machine with different types of coffee to any Prague-based company, and no minimum number of employees is specified. The machine is installed for free and left in place for two weeks.
To set off on your caffeine binge, fill in the form at www.caffedavinci.cz/?lng=en.

Tea Tasting
Sip more than 200 teas before you purchase, or swiftly walk out empty-handed, at Amana located at Školská 38.

How Low Will You Go?
For a free cup of coffee, make your way to one of the Alcoholics Anonymous open-speaker meetings held at Na Poříčí 16 for English and Czech speakers alike. Admitting you have a problem will be key at this point.
For more info visit www.alkoholik.cz/anonymni_alkoholici_sdruzeni.htm.

For free refreshment head out to donate blood at one of the blood transfusion centers. The process is rather simple and the rewards pleasing. After choosing a convenient blood transfusion center location at www.darujkrev.cz, grab your ID and a pen for questionnaire filling out. Upon arrival scan the buffet (FNKV offers 14 types of pizza) and chew in silence until your turn. Stop to notice how heartwarming it is to act in the name of a good cause.

For a hot meal and a warm bed, spend substantial time drinking booze followed by obnoxious public behavior. Be loud, be uncompromising, yet helpless when the police officers arrive. They will feed you, warm you up, provide space to sober up, and subsequently demand anywhere between 1,000 and 2,000 Kč—no rides home included.

Almost Free

Sex @ BigSister
This one-of-a-kind online erotic club charges its guests a mere 300 Kč an entrance fee (towels, bath rope, and slippers included). Couples enter for free.
Watch it live at www.bigsister.net.

Wine Tasting
As part of its long-term exhibition “About Wine,” the National Museum of Agriculture invites winegrowers to offer wine samples and tasting for its visitors. The guests for December are Vinopol SANTÉ, Velké Bílovice (December 1–3) and Vinařství Adámek, Chválovice (December 8–10).
For more info visit www.nzm.cz.

Hitchhiking Revisited
Catch a real bargain ride with drivers traveling your way. The Town to Town agency, mediating between drivers and passengers, sets up drives that please both parties charging the passenger with the spine-tingling 1 Kč/ km.
The price list at http://www.spolujizda.cz/ will have you yearn for a week(end) trip out of town.

Group Travel Starts with Two
Whenever traveling by train other than alone, buy your tickets as a group. A 30-kilometer trip will cost two 56 Kč as compared to the regular 80 Kč.

Cultural Freebies
Throughout December, the Goethe Institute is running an exhibition at Klementium that presents the life-long work of one of the most bizarre writers in German-language literature of the 20th century: Robert Walser. The 50th anniversary brings bilingual exhibits, film screenings, and readings that ultimately prove fruitless for those deficient in Czech and German.
The Program can be found at www.goethe.de/prag.

The French Institute is throwing its own Fête de Noël (Christmas Party) on December 15 at 6 p.m. For more Christmas parties reference your friends.

If setting out on a free museum crawl, plan the first week of the month as follows: National Museum on Monday, Military Museum on Tuesday (for the sake of filling Tuesday—it’s actually open everyday), National Agriculture Museum and the Ceramics Museum on Wednesday, Museum of Music on Thursday, and Museum of Asian, African, and American Cultures on Friday.

A gallery-reading room/self-service tearoom with a wide selection of tea and Wi-Fi, can be found at the communication space Školská 28, which hosts the “Heart in the River” exhibition between December 8 and 22.

Free exhibitions run at the C2C gallery (Za Strahovem 19) and in the factory halls of Karlín Studios (Křižíkova 34).

Free by Name
“Free Zone” at Rock Café every Tuesday
“Illegal Pub Free Party” at Futurum Music Bar every Tuesday
“Matrix Free Rock” at Matrix every Tuesday
“Free Mondays” at Roxy
“Wednesdays 4 Free” at Mecca

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