by Provokator staff

photos Dana Wilson

Once you climb aboard this fun ship - Craken-Anděl, well, you may just want to… jump from the mast. From the dock outside you feel like a captain on a treasure hunt – “Ahoj mates!” there’s a 5,286 Kc jackpot, the door handle’s a ship wheel, and inside is a full treasure chest! You walk the plank, and by that, we mean, get past the bouncer and cargo hold (an empty coat room big enough a crew of 25), you’re on the high seas of non-stop piracy, um, slot action. This dungeon of gambling delight is as dark and seedy as any we’ve experienced. No fights, as the crew are glazed over with thoughts of treasure, but it’s perfect for those on lithium that just can’t get enough. Swaggering over to the pirate bar (yes, we actually saw a fellow crew member with an eye patch) we grab a Captain Morgan and it’s off to try our luck; that is if one can feel lucky while sea sick (the Inca-like waterfalls didn’t help). The 80’s-style stripper poles and disco balls offer a glimmer of hope until we realize the wenches, with the exception of the cashier, jumped ship long ago. Realizing this, we finally make it to a row of money-makers, and being newbies, choose the “Daytona” machine as the name conjures up a beach. No holds barred, we drop in 200 Kc and pull the.. er… push the button?! Toto, we’re not in Las Vegas anymore! Aye, 40 Kc immediately!  Swashbuckling! After watching many cherries pop, we’re up 185 Kc and decide it’s time for a mutiny. Only one problem, that bouncer at the door is probably the captain and he has no idea how to win the jackpot or how many have been won. We almost drop 100 in “Fruit Poker” before reaching shore, but we already have a stomach ache from popping all those cherries.

Appropriately, a large octopus jealously guarding a treasure chest welcomes guests to Herna Bar Chobotnice (i.e. Herna Bar Octopus) Francouzská 26. Not the best image, given that these dives are supposed to be gambling addicts thinking they’re giving money away, not being patrolled by sea creatures.
The inside proved pretty sleaze-free. Barring a few minor carpet stains, it was small and clean, with no shady characters or off-putting stench. The bartender even Windexed the slot machine after another patron took off.
We were a bit taken aback by the courtesy of the two employees. Both were entertaining girlfriends at the time, but smiled and kept the drinks coming. We even pressed the wrong button on a slot machine and accidentally shut it down, but the bartender came over and fixed it kindly – no rolled eyes, muttered curse words or obscene hand gestures.
The 12 machines were straightforward, mostly digital slot machines and poker. We stuck mainly to the slots and won minor amounts of money at a pace consistent with keeping spirits high.
Ambience offers lite ‘80s and ‘90s hits (think Wilson Phillips) and a “Titanic, London, 1912” lifesaver on the wall. Besides being historically inaccurate, it’s stupid to put that up in a nautically-themed establishment and given the scant patrons, perhaps ominous.
All-in-all it was a pleasant experience. Most people I know like their hernas with grime. But Chobotnice’s a good “starter herna,” if there is such a thing, and perfect for Vinohrady.

    
As you walk down the promenade of Francouská, stretching between Náměstí Míru and the top of the hill leading down to Vršovice, there are many quaint shops and lovely cafes. In between those lovely storefronts we encounter the occasional herna bar. In recent weeks, a new addition was made to the herna bars along this stretch. Now, as you pass by the Jana Masaryka tram stop, a quick shot of a big screen may catch your eye along with a flash of royal blue. Passing the newly opened “F” Herna on the corner of Francouská and Jana Masaryka, you may ask yourself: “Is that football playing in there?” Well, it’s the hippest looking herna bar that I’ve ever seen. That is, until you step inside... What looks good on the outside isn’t necessarily so great on the inside. Shiny tables and chairs only last for so long. That big screen playing football is there to grab your attention, but once you’ve entered the herna zone, you have to abide by the bar’s “Play to Stay” policy. Your crowns going down the throats of machines whose odds are set against you is the only way that you’ll get a cold beer in this joint. Not to mention that the machine selection adheres to the traditional – there is nothing new and exciting here that you won’t be able to find amongst your standard herna fare. A brief chat with the “smutninka” behind the counter didn’t reveal much aside from the usual frowns and disdain of the service industry. Herna “F” tries to exude the ambiance of a herna bar for 20-something, a place where you won’t look too bad if someone snaps a photo. However, it offers pricier beer and snappier service than every other herna on the Francouská strip.

   
Pivini Bar – U Vlk, Vita Nejedlého, Žižkov. This bar is a common round-up of all the riff-raff that have been ejected from the surrounding bars. When we enter the jackpot is 6646.91Kc and isn’t climbing very rapidly. We greet the grimy-toothed, yet very sweet (once he gets to know you) barman: “Honza!” He welcomes you with a hug, wincing at your apparently un-evolved Czech (you haven’t been there in a year…you’ve lived here for four). He knows why you’ve come. It isn’t for him or his Bernhard beer on tap. It isn’t to play the coin operated machines that you’ve never played before. It isn’t to use the toilet that makes sitting in the gutter something to be considered a throne. It’s for the jukebox that promises everything from The Adicts to Frank Zappa, techno omp-omp-ompfa fare to crust–punk Casualties. Honza goes back to his one patron until your cronies begin tapping the devil’s buttons. His eyes flicker as he’s distracted upon questioning. According to Honza: How many times is the Jackpot won? – “About once a week.” Do you have regulars? – He simply looks at us with a “what do you think, stoopid?” look. Do you have any regulars that win?– “Yes,” he hedges, following up with an empathic nod. Is there a gaming commission who regulates the machines? – “No and it‘s VAT free. Every bar sets their own games and benefits off their own machines unless they are under contract from a rental or distribution company.” Really? No one regulates the gambling? – “No.” Not Prague, Žižkov? – “No.” The bar owner does? – “Yes.” And he points to the cash safe and the computer controls for the games behind the counter. Do you ever play the games yourself?–“No.”... And there’s that look again.

   
Herna Non–Stop 2 – Karlin, Sokolovska. Disheartened but determined, we wander down Sokolovska less than 100 meters to a less flashy – but still comfortable – alternative. Inside we’re pleasantly surprised to find a bar with several determined souls actively developing their herna digi-finger and contributing to the slowly growing jackpot of 4906.22Kc. The tap-tap-tap-tap-tap sound keeps a frantic metronome effect. There’s additional entertainment in the form of a large screen TV blaring out music videos, granting the bar an ‘80s ambience. We order our drinks as there seemed to be others drinking, too, and not tethered and cathetered to a slot machine. The barman Lo is friendly, welcoming and happy to pour us pivo before we collapse of thirst, even going so far as to bring our drinks out on a tray. So we comfortably settle in to investigate further. One of the environmentally-minded members is pleased to discover that this herna bar even practices recycling. A quick visit to the bathrooms reveals a sparkling porcelain nirvana, which was especially well received by the female contingent (and apparently always a factor in any bar).  Eaves dropping, I’m unsurprised to hear talk of call centre operations and internal politics. Two rounds later, when we leave the bar, the jackpot has grown to 4947.97Kc.

When’s the best time to hit a Herna bar? Probably not on a Wednesday night but we were intrepid souls. Upon leaving the metro at Krizkova we were seduced by the Herna Krizik Non-stop, Krizikovza Metro, Thamova 6 (once a house of Czech Chicken Cuisine) and it’s flashing neon promise of instant riches and a shot at the jackpot of 5521.60 kc climbing by the staggering rate of almost 100 crowns a second!  In a suburb where it’s hard to swing a cat without hitting with a herna.  The interior welcomed us with a simple gamblers paradise of slot machines encircling the room with plain disregard for any intimacy but hey, we’re here to play the one-armed, or one-buttoned Bandit not to sip cock-tails.  This is of course a good thing because when we attempt to purchase a refreshing beverage we’re immediately informed of the, “Only players can drink” rule. Upon asking which was the luckiest mechanical dealer we were pointed to a bank of three dark and entirely bar computer automated machines decorated in flames and named MAGIC. The one solitary human that seems to have succumbed to the slot machine paradise, Vaclav, gave us a quick, curt lesson in Herna bar etiquette; do not ask questions about the jackpot. The peripheral lessons being: do not appear confused by how to play, and don’t try and play one or two games, then attempt to get your credit refunded.  These things are frowned upon.  The rules are simple at this establishment and are the same at many others, deposit your money at the bar for credit on either a digital or mechanical machine (750kc min.) and play until you run out of cash.  The one brave soul playing not having the luckiest night, the jackpot has grown to 5526.43 kc but of course the night is still young. 

Average user rating

   (0 vote)