 by Rosa Fledermaus
Freakishly normal children swim in the river. We linger at the romantic stone and wood bridge to see if a young swimmer might tire from the current and inhale water. There is a zip line that parents belt small children in and send screaming across the river. Perhaps a child will forget to slow down and smack into a tree, knocking them silly inside their helmets. Morbidly we wait and watch. A respite after trekking the castle, scouting the best spot for a feudal sniper at the aqueduct-like bridge and lazying around the beautiful, manicured Castle Gardens. (Hmm, they say rotting bodies make soil with increased nitrate...)
Hostel 99 Hospoda - The Budějovická gate keepers location to the city. Clean double rooms (300-350Kč) with views of the babbling (bubble, bubble, boil, toil and trouble) brook. Dormitory facilities (200-250Kč) are built of dark, coffin-like wood and have sprawling landings like a tree house.  There must have been someone who died here… it’s just so peaceful. The onsite restaurant offers family recipes handed down over generations like Eggenberg Pork Chop as well as old favorites like Burger 99 (100Kč- ask for it bloody) and tasty yoghurt/fruit shakes.
Literally a stone's throw (that could possibly put an eye out) from the Hostel 99 terrace is the base of Krumlov’s pride and joy, the Eggenberg Pivovar. Typical characters loom having been drinking since the day the establishment opened. Serving 10, 11, 12 degree beers (23Kč) as well as, light (světlé) and dark (tmavý) ones. The Two Marys - Serving authentic Czech country fare above and beyond goulash and knedilky, recommended is the pheasant. Watch out for bones though – as we neglect to mention as our dinner partner gags on the numerous, tiny wing bones. You can get your feudal fill here as they use traditional ingredients of millet, buckwheat and barley. Next door is a well attended vegetarian restaurant Laibon, that carnivores have absolutely no interest in.  Krumlov House - The elder witch and the first to set up a backpacker friendly abode greets us and directs us to bars full of coven-like merriment like Gypsy Bar and…Horror Bar, where the owner greets customers in full horror goth make up. Her family skeletons hang from the ceiling. There’s a coffin in the back room, candles and dungeon-like comfort. Friendly effigies wave to you like old chums. A bat tied at the foot flies in circles above the bar (cruelly fuelled by batteries – it’s obviously a stuffed bat that has been reworked Frankenstein style).
After a weekend of this calm cauldron of delight…one almost feels normal, until one gets back home and remembers the secret longing to mass murder with corrosive kindness.
previously publish in Provokator print issue 20
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